July: Slowly Swimming

First comes crying, then sitting, then crawling.

Next comes, walking, talking, whining, and running.

In my case first comes floating.

Drifting away in a desolate ocean, flowing astray from the world’s gates,

floating away from home.

Alienated with a hole where my whole was.

Next comes doggy paddling,

Completely drained of all energy,

yet still able to make tiny strides of effort.

Attempts to push against the current that keeps me in my current.

Soon after I learn how to maneuver under water.

Feel like a sea otter as I push through this deep water,

although I can only see water, I’m moving forward.

In which direction?

I don’t know..

All I know is that I’m slowly swimming.

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July: I Tried…

Google google,

Give me the answers, give me the remedies, the recipes,

reciprocity, I give you cookies and info and you feed me,

feed my needs that bleed from the deepest parts of me,

Google google, you exceed my being,

you fill us with the information we need,

Google google, answer me!

I tried what you said to do, I did what you suggested,

I do feel kinda sick and maybe a little congested,

My heart still feel arrested, never resting and birds of fear are nesting,

Google google, you keep projecting, intercepting and stretching,

giving me a new suggestion every second,

My heart beat is raising and I feel like ejecting,

Google you be giving me a message.

Am I overreacting, should I just sleep?

Is this senseless worry?

Am I ok or should I stay and wait,

should I keep searching for answers on why I’m awake,

why I pain, why my brain is always active when it’s not day?

You feed me so much that I might explode,

As soon as I was ready to sleep, based on google,

I found out I had every sickness known to man,

Paranoid with the shakiness of my hand,

I throw my phone down and close my eyes,

here we go again.

I tried.

New Music: That’s a Kawal! – Jamal Lee

Available on Spotify, Apple Music, iTunes, etc!

https://itunes.apple.com/ca/album/thats-a-kawal-single/id1249348220

Love Letter.

Ever since we first became friends at the beginning of the summer of 2016 I really felt like you were someone who I could just exist with. We didn’t have to talk or do anything, just existing near each other or in the same room was enough. Before we became friends at all I was subtly attracted to your existance and felt the desire to always talk to you and see what was going on inside your mind. We existed as friends and soon we’ll exist as husband and wife. I’m thankful for meeting you and every second spent with you and every second we’ll get to spend together just existing. You’re truly the perfect person for me, we’re able to just bounce thoughts off of each other so freely and effortlessly. Let’s continue to do so as we grow Gabriella Kelly (Lee in the near future). Let’s follow God with all of our hearts and truly become one under the son, representing the love that Christ has for his church.

I love you Gabriella.

– Jamal Lee

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

New Music: That’s a Kawal! – Jamal Lee

Available on Spotify, Apple Music, iTunes, etc!

https://itunes.apple.com/ca/album/thats-a-kawal-single/id1249348220

July: Motivated When Tired, Just Go To Sleep!

Just Go To Sleep!

“It’s all in your mind”

“you control your actions”

“Just do it!”

“It’s not that hard”

“Keep pushing”

“Never give up”

“Just Go To Sleep”

“Just let go of being afraid”

“Your Situation is only a game”

“Stop playing.”

“You’re being fake”

“You’re lazy and making excuses”

“You’re useless”

“You should just stay in your room and never leave”

“You should just leave home because you’re not wanted”

“You’re just a burden to those around you”

“Leave and let your family breathe”

“Leave and you’ll see how easy life will be….. for them”

“Sleep is the main issue”

“Sleeping is not hard, just turn off your electronics”

“It’s your fault”

“You don’t have insomnia”.

“I don’t think I have insomnia”

“Definitely not”

“I just need to sleep and I’ll be alright”

“I’ll just put my phone down and go to bed without it”

“I wonder when I’ll fall asleep”

“The flicker of light behind my eye lids keep me interested”

“I wonder how that works”

“Don’t open your eyes or else it’ll reset and it’ll take longer to fall asleep”

“If I just keep my eyes closed I’ll fall asleep”

“My chest hearts, anxiety?”

“Am I hungry? Should I get a snack?”

“Maybe I need some water”

“Nah I’ll just keep my eyes closed, hopefully I’ll fall asleep”

3:00 AM

After 2 hours of rolling around in bed with no phone, no lights,

I decide to get up and get some water.

I guess it’s just one of those nights.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

New Music: That’s a Kawal! – Jamal Lee

Available on Spotify, Apple Music, iTunes, etc!

 

https://itunes.apple.com/ca/album/thats-a-kawal-single/id1249348220